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Real Strength

Its amazing what being exhausted can do to your thoughts. I always tend to get emotional and usually it's not very constructive, but I feel like I've hit a new breaking point. The past couple days I've been thinking about revamping my wardrobe, adding some more black, harder lines, and boots. Usually when I get into this kind of superficial overdrive there is something I'm not dealing with. It hit me. These thoughts of "punk rock" is my attempt to give myself another layer of protection. While looking in the mirror tonight I started thinking of why I feel like I need this armor, there has to be a better way of feeling safe without spending money on frivolous items. Realization: I need to stop allowing myself to fall victim to scummy men. I've recently been approached by cowardly/idiot men at bars, at work, and even at the laundromat. I've always felt a need to be very nice to people, my thought process was, "if I'm nice they won't hurt me", "Surely, they will realize I'm a deeper person", and "How can someone do harm to someone that shows them nothing but kindness". Not saying everyone deserves to be punched in the face at first, but there seems to be a lot of people that don't give a shit about who you are, they have only one objective. I always thought approaching someone at a bar was very brave and I should be extra nice as a reward for that person to take the time to get to know me, but THIS is where I go completely wrong. These men don't say, "Hi, I'd like to get to know you (insert several well thought out questions)" instead they say shit like "you look (insert objective, crude, or arbitrary adjectives)". That is suppose to make us melt or want to spread our legs????? FUCK THAT! The actual test of strength and bravery is when someone actively tries to get to know someone else without objectifying (making them feel weaker, as if the only thing they have going for them are their "tits" or "booty"). I'm not sure I know how this can be practiced in a bar like setting, but I'm hoping I have the courage in myself to not fall victim to assholes anymore.
From now on I'm choosing my own way. I will wear what I want to work or out because IiIiI will enjoy how I look or how I feel in it. If a man actually wants to get to know me he will need a better line then, "Your gap is so sexy" and will follow up a line like, "I feel like I've known you forever" with questions to ACTUALLY get to know me.

I'm annoyed I've been so naive and that it took me until I'm exhausted to actually think about the reality of the men I'm surrounded by, but I'm beyond happy I finally figured it out.

I still might buy some kick ass boots :P

to bed early

I'm in bed before midnight. It's kind of unreal, but I'm tired so I'm happy to be home instead of at The Box.

Just finished watching My Week With Marilyn. I'm not sure what I think about it. It had a good emotional arch but it makes me hate fame and actors a lot more. I was drawing a lot of parallels with the actors in Old Jews which was less then desirable after a two show day.

Random thought before bed: maybe relationships are suppose to fall into place. How can two people, whose paths don't cross actually make a good relationship. It does seem to work for some people. Maybe my life is just pushing forward career-wise and the idea of bringing in a person I meet via OKcupid, someone so outside my life, is just too much to handle and stressful. I feel like there is so much happening that I couldn't even begin to explain it all and honestly I lack the energy.

Tomorrow I'm going to head to the ASPCA and start my search for a companion, a fuzzy ball of fur that I can love and will hopefully like my company. I think that will do it for me. I think I can be satisfied for a while if I have something to love and care about, my steady job (until Fed.), fun with friends, eye candy once in a while, health, a phone call to the family, and the knowledge that I have everything in the World that I need. It would be really wonderful to feel like I don't have to search for anything to "better my life" for a little while at least. A person can dream.

I'm Back on the LJ with Happy Thoughts

I started a new job at The Box, a crazy night club with a very "interesting" cabaret. I will sub in there occasionally after Old Jews. I love it there, everyone can just be crazy and whoever they want to be, my kind of great. My career path is definitely on track... moving at least and I couldn't be happier with work. The only thing not perfect is my love life, but I'm not in a hurry to settle down.

My Next Move:

The next serious man in my life is going to have to be a lot of things:

1. Sweet and friendly to EVERYONE. No prejudices. The ability to talk to everyone and make them comfortable
2. Has to be able to make me laugh and want to brighten my day even when I'm already happy
3. Have super manly hands, no spindly fingers (they creep me out)
4. A career, a career path. They can't be overwhelmed by my successes.
5. A real feel for who they are, but a thirst to learn and explore. No more lost puppies.
6. A sense of grounded-ness and appreciation for mother nature.
7. The ability to clean himself and home (I'm not going to be a resident maid, bitch please!).
8. Capable of committing to a partner to share and grow with not to settle down with.
9. Relationship free
10. Must like the Goonies or at least appreciate it (just kidding... kind of)
10. Someone I can be proud of and who I want my friends and family to get to know.

Since this is really a lot to ask for, but I cannot settle for anyone that doesn't have these 10 things going for them, I may be single for a while or maybe forever. Meanwhile, I'm not going to stop myself from going on dates and maybe occasionally hooking up. I will not allow my feelings to take over. I'm no longer going to let my mind wonder and waste time on other people that aren't right for me. I'm going to fill my brain and time with things that make me smile, laugh, and new things to teach me. Already started crosswords at work :)

Sometimes it good to remember:
1. It's about the journey
2. People are all beautiful, but everyone has faults
3. Time alone is fleeting
4. knowledge is power
5. Broccoli gives everyone gas, avoid on dates :P


Just putting out there for the record: the name Adam seems to be a significant name in my life. I'm not sure if it will continue to be important, but just incase here is documentation. "Hold on Adam" From when I was in Kindergarten and all through high school, college, and still occasionally I dream about a kid named Adam. I went to school with him, but we were never really good friends and I never had a crush on him.. he just is in my dreams a lot.
Just watched 50/50 about a guy named Adam who gets cancer. tough but an alright movie, it made me think about that name again.

Anyway, just weird coincidence maybe.

All I Do Is Write Shitty Things Here

Shitty Relationships: 9 Me Finding Someone Awesome: 0

Josh told me last night he is still in love with his ex. There is no way he can love anyone else. Well, (sarcasm alert) I'm sooo fucking happy I tried. I'm really tired of these phrases "I'm so glad I met you" and "you're a great person, you deserve better" Yeah, I'm sooo fucking glad I met you too so you could stomp on my heart, gee thanks. And where the hell are these "better" guys???

Best part, he is still at my house, sleeping on my couch. All I really want to do is go up to him and stab him in the penis with a blunt object (I'm not a huge fan of blood)

The worst part of all of this, was that I should have known. I should have known you can't get over anyone in a month. You can't find anyone good in NY. And I should NOT sleep with anyone, until they have mutual feelings for me AND proof of those feelings. I'm done handing "All This" out for free. I should have known when I could count the number of times we had sex on 2 hands (we slept together for the first time in February). Yup, we are fucking soul mates.

Well, I guess everything happens for a reason, I'm suppose to learn from all of these mistakes. I'm not sure what I'll take from this. I'm worried this is killing my trust in men and making me realize EVERYONE, even the "nice" guys, are selfish pigs.

Maybe this is my moment of self reflection, I'm pretty successful in my career and on a normal day I'm pretty positive. Maybe the best thing is to learn to be alone. Maybe I'm asking for too much in my life, or in this lifetime there won't be anyone good enough for me. (not to sound super arrogant) I deserve a hell of a lot more than the losers I keep finding. I hope someday I will be able to recognize someone who is deserving of my love and can share a life with me, but right now (sarcasm alert) I'm just too damn awesome.
My show opened Sunday and so far all the reviews have been great. We are definitely running into December and with this positive feedback, I would be very surprised if we don't get a second cast to run into February. This show has been remarkable for me. I'm dressing Kelly Ripa's husband and 5 other B list celebrities and checking all the lights and sound before each show. It's just the 2 stage managers and me backstage. When things break, the pressure is on me to fix it, but I've learned a lot and I'm excited to see what challenges I can defeat in the weeks ahead.

I didn't realize how big this show is until 20 minutes to the curtain Sunday night. I had two costume repairs and a lamp to replace over dinner break. When I was done my presets and actors were cheerfully putting on their freshly ironed clothes I decided to run next door and grab a slice of pizza. I exited through the lobby where everything seemed quiet, calm, and normal until I pushed open the doors to the street. There was a red carpet to the left of me with photographers, there were people everywhere trying to get a glimpse of who was getting interviewed and their picture taken. I squeezed through the crowd and decided to reward myself with a slice from Joe's (it was on Cohen O'Brien's show and said to be REAL NY pizza, I've been wanting to try it all week-- it wasn't THAT amazing). As I waited to pay, Rob called to tell me he was waiting on the corner for me. So there I was dressed in sneakers, jeans, t-shirt, and a grandma sweater with a paper plate of greasy cheese pizza in my right hand leading a cute boy wearing a suit through a crowd of paparazzi and people dressed to the nines. All I could think was, "this is ridiculous!" and "How many people are eying this pizza, thinking about how they haven't eaten all day".
Yesterday as I searched for our reviews online I came across the pictures taken outside. There was Kelly and the writers and then Jerry Seinfeld, Andy Cohen, a housewife of NY (the crazy blonde with the SUPER gay husband) and David Hyde Pierce! What the what??!! I can't believe I'm the tech person working on this show.
I always tend to down play everything I've done and doing. "Yeah, I moved to NY.. well Weehawken which is close but not in the city" when reality is: "Holy Crap! I moved to the biggest city, without much of a plan, slept on a blowup mattress for 3 months, and got job after job." I often think, " If I'm doing it, it can't be THAT amazing. It's not like I'm Savana and working on Broadway." It's moments like Sunday night that forces me to open my eyes and realize I'm living a pretty great life. I am extremely blessed to be healthy, mostly happy, and getting to make a little bit of living working on this crazy career path.

Nov. 8th, 2011

I should be super happy to be working in theatre and about to make some serious cash, but I'm finding the people I'm working with are just not the people I want to spend my days with. Yesterday I was sitting at my sewing table reading our program and listening to a few actors talking to the director and our producer (who was getting her makeup done by a professional makeup artist) about all the designers they wear. I sat there in my $10 black shirt and my men's corduroys I found in the lost in found over the summer. I feel so out of place. Today I'm headed to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to buy wardrobe stuff, so hopefully getting organized will help me feel less self conscious.

I'm tired of not being with my friends or knowing what they are up to. I've been living and breathing work and, when I'm not running around with a c-wrench or a sewing needle, I'm on Craigslist searching for apartments. I feel so self centered, I have no idea what's going on with my friends back in RI. Julie has a man friend?! Sharon is kicking ass and taking names at a gym?! Nicole is working at one of the best stores in the world (just under Staples)?!

I need to make a change and figure out how to feel happy here. Once I get my own place that will help a hell of a lot, but I still need to find some simple joys to do throughout the day like crocheting or writing and reading. I keep toying with the idea of writing about my life, I've been told by many people my different family would make a good story, but I can't stomach writing about myself, unless it's here. Where I write exactly what I'm feeling at the moment. Every time I open a word document to start typing I feel ridiculous and close my computer. Maybe I need to think about it as a fiction story and write in third person to start or just write out my feelings about how I grew up and add in the stories that go along. Maybe I will try that today when I'm stuck at work.

Derail Your Train For Me

Dear Boy,
At times I want to shake you and wake you from your dream, where everything works out in harmony. You become a husband, a father and you live happily ever after. Perhaps my role in your life is to soften the blow of reality, that you can't plan your future or plan who you will meet or who you will fall in love with. It's so hard for me to bite my tongue as I watch you stubbornly move forward with your plan. Your life plan is just an idea and although I know you can do anything, people and the world are not predictable. If I've learned anything in my past 23 years, it's that life can change on a dime. I've seen people who were extremely happy, "perfect" for each other, crash and burn. Adults 55 years of age change careers and go back to school. Our culture has this idea that time moves forward, so our lives must move forward. With age comes maturity in thought and our daily lives should reflect that. Yes, someday you may buy a house and one day decide to retire, but life doesn't all of the sudden become easier or slow down. Rhythms are created to bring a sense of "normality" but the smallest pebble can make you miss step and change your patterns and path.
Do I think you should get engaged? No, partly for selfish reasons. I want you, I want to be with. I want to wake up every morning in your arms and smile when I look at you and see you smiling at me. I want your hugs that make me feel safe and stops me from thinking. I want to be the one you spend your life with. You say you know my patterns, my constant unsettled lifestyle and short relationships. I say I don't want to settle down with anyone, because I haven't wanted to settle for just anyone. I want a person that will be my partner in life, who will travel with me, grow, laugh, cry, and ride this roller coaster. I can't be certain that this roller coaster won't break down someday and we wake up realizing we want separate cars, but I'm sad to think we will never have the chance.
I have to be a good friend and be only that, a friend. I can't say what I think, because in the end if she makes you happy I don't want to stand in the way. I'm glad you have found happiness with me for a brief moment in your life. Part of me is holding on to the thought that the more you are around me, the more you will realize we are great together. If anything perhaps you will see that there are options in life and it's okay to adventure out of your comfort zone. The greater the risk comes greater opportunities. I hope I can always be your friend and challenge you and shake you when needed, but right now I'm too much involved. I'm writing this here, because I'm too afraid to tell you exactly how I feel. Afraid I'll scare you and you'll bolt. I hope one day I'll find the courage to decide to share my thoughts or leave you behind.
With All My Love,


was just blown away by "The Reader." It was such a fantastic movie. I had no expectations or a clue on how the story would unfold and it was exactly what I was looking for. I had forgotten just how much a good film can move you and make you think. I was never interested in history, because I felt so disconnected. This movie really put some things in perspective, the 1940's were not that long ago. This is probably not Earth shattering for many, but I'm starting to see how human history is linked and how history is not so much in the past but forever with us.

Never thought I would cry over PIppin again

I feel so torn and sad over Pippin. It was a huge pain in the ass, but it was my baby for three months and something I waited 4 years to do. Now, tomorrow it will be going up in front of the ACTF judges and audience. I'm not there to help or see it happen. I feel like I'm majorly missing out, like a Mom who's child is leaving the nest. I know Nicki will be awesome and do a better job than I could do, but it just kind of majorly hurts. PIppin doesn't need me :(